Thursday, April 22, 2010

Bitterness? Why? REPOSTED

So i wrote this post a few days ago and then deleted it because i felt like i shouldnt post something like this, but some people read it before i deleted it and some didnt. so i am going to chose to post it because i think that it will help people understand why i am the way i am lately. so here you go

the past few weeks have been a very hard and long road. I figure not a lot of people actually read my blog, so i can vent to myself here! as far as lately.. this is what has been going on- i think the more i keep it in the more i get bitter and thats not ok.... so i am going to act as though i'm writing to myself. if you do read it please talk to me about it or keep it to yourself, i guess you'll understand what i dont want everyone to know.

As most of you know, i have been bitter lately, with a bad attitude and why? i honestly didnt know until now. My husband brady and i have talked about going to church and i think it will make ALL the difference, we had started falling behind when he started working sundays... i know we were never perfect, but i guess its better late than never to start trying right? and i want to thank everyone that has been there for me in the past to keep me on that path. with that being said there are a few things that have happened in my life that have encouraged me to go back to church and hopefully sometime soon get sealed to my husband and my family that i have lost. 

Last week my grandpa passed away, (i'll post some great memorable pictures later) it was the first person in my family that i have ever had pass away, I have never had to deal with someone so close, i have not had to be in a family prayer and witness the closing of the casket and that was the HARDEST thing for me to do. I was with him when he passed and that brought me peace, as well as being with my grandma and being able to be there for her to comfort and provide whatever she needed. At the funeral I was given the opportunity to speak, and with that i talked a little and then i gave a poem i had wrote. from him passing i realize i do not wish to lose anyone without being sealed to them... talking about brady. what would i do if we missed out on our chance to be together for eternity and not just "until death do we part"

The day of my grandpa's passing was both peaceful and sad, peaceful knowing he was in no more pain, and sad because i am having trials of my own right now..... what is honestly wrong with me. This is what i am the most bitter about, but at the same time it couldnt have happened at a better time. I am taking trials welll (until now and i'll get to that later) because i know that the trials i am having right now have to deal with me and me alone, along with God. I have dreams about my trials and my grandpa and i feel comfort all over again when i see that, it was meant for me to have these trials and i just don't know why yet.....

I pray everyday that i can have comfort in my misfortune that i can over come this, and not be angry anymore. there is no one to blame, these things just happen. i know that we all have to have our own trials. and maybe this is mine. it just doesn't seem fair, and i think the hardest thing is that i will never fully understand what happened and why i have these trials. i have not talked about this with anyone and now i am letting it all out. I am hoping that this helps me with my attitude adjustment and i hope that it helps me know that when i do overcome these trials that i will not take ANYTHING for granted.. all these random thoughts are going through my head and i just couldn't take it. i'm sorry if this isn't something that you wanted to know or hear, or if it was boring.. but i just thought i needed to vent for a minute......

on the HAPPY SIDE.............

we bought our first camping trailer, and we bought brady a new truck its an old '86 chevy! that way now we have only one car payment (brady's ford truck that is now mine) and we will have more money to save and put towards other things.................

PICTURES TO COME I PROMISE

MY THERAPY: crafts. i have been doing crafts lately, and i realize that they are the best therapy i could EVER ask for, next to my loving husband that is!

5 comments:

Candace said...

Shayna, I know we haven't ever been super close but I understand trials stink and sometimes its okay to be mad and sad about them. If you ever need anything, a lunch date, a hug. Just let me know. I know things will start getting better for you :) Love Candace

Josh and Shaleese said...

Im definitely like you i always hold everything in, but it is good to get it out sometimes! Having just been through the temple, i want you to know it really is an amazing feeling! Im proud of you for wanting to do it, thats so awesome. Lots of people don't understand the importance! I really hope things get better for you! Good luck, if you ever need anyone to talk to, im bored out of my mind in oklahoma, so im all ears :)

Kim White said...

Shayna, You are a strong girl and I know you will make it through everything. I have gone through things that I still don't understand the whole meaning of why I had to go through that. But I do know that they have made me so much stronger and really made me rely on the Lord. I hope you and Brady make it to the temple in the future because it will bless you guys more then you understand. It will strengthen your marriage and your future family. Keep pushing forward with everything and I'm positive you will make it. Sorry about your grandpa. I can't imagine. I'm like you,never lost anyone in my family yet. Not looking forward to that. Keep praying and doing what your doing and you will continue to be comforted.

Chris and Kristin said...

My heart goes out to you and I'm here if you ever need anything or a place to run for the weekend! ;)

Adam, Julianne, & Michael said...

What a tender post. Don't be so hard on yourself, trials are hard and it's okay to admit that. Go to the Lord in prayer often and he will be your shoulder to cry on. He was there with me through everything with Michael, and being in the Temple is an amazing place to find comfort. I love you lots. Keep your chin up.